Greetings!

Have you ever noticed how problematic a simple greeting can be?

I was thinking of the greeting "How Do You Do?" today.

A bit old fashioned of course, and certainly not without it's set of problems. I couldn't help but wonder just what the appropriate response to "How do you do?" should be.

It's a question, but not really a question.

I don't know though.

When someone asks you "How do you do?" does propriety demand that you give an actual answer?And what on earth, kind of answer would you give?

"I do just fine. Thank you."

Hmmm,

somehow,

at least to me,

that response sounds a little smart-alecky.

But really what else is there to say? There's always the solution of parroting it right back at them. You know, "Well, how do YOU do?"

I guess you could really teach them to never ask you that again by recounting just how you have been doing for the last year or so. And maybe after a 15 minute monologue you could pause and ask,

"I have a lot more if you're still interested. Or was that just a simple mindless greeting?"

I think it's pretty sad that in the entire history of the human race, we have come up with so many different ways to greet someone, but, so very few methods of responding to those same greetings.

I think there should be a law.

A law that says "Don't you dare invent a new way of greeting someone unless you have at least two (preferably three or more) ways to respond to the new greeting."

There are other greetings of course, which are just as bad.

"Well hi Susan, (so far so good) What have YOU been up to?"

AAAARRRGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

I hate this one. Here you are walking along, minding your own business, and then, as luck would have it, you run into someone you know and in the space of six words, you are suddenly compelled to come up with a short summary of just what you have been doing, since the last time you saw this person.

I mean, really?

Is that fair?

I feel like I'm suddenly back in school, sitting at my desk, staring at a blank piece of paper, trying to put down, in fifty words or less, just what I
"Have been up to".

Even in the best of times I hate pop quizzes.

Is it fair to be expected to give an immediate, non rehearsed, accounting of yourself just because you happened to run into someone that you met briefly five years ago?

I do have a solution.

It may not appeal to all of you I realize, but try it next time, you will find just how much fun you can have with it.

"Well hi Susan, what have YOU been up to lately?????"
"Oh, hi Gertrude. Well, lately, I've been stealing people's identities, and using the money to start up my own drug dealing business." It's harder than you could ever imagine to start up a first class cocaine dealership.

And YOU?"

I know, I know. Super fun, gets rid of snoopy Gertrude, but what if snoopy G actually believes you and starts to spread rumors?

It could get ugly. You know?

Plus some of these people asking you the dreaded question, are people you really do like.

CONFESSION TIME: At times, I have forgotten myself and have actually asked friends "What have you been up to". I wish I could take it back as soon as the words leave my mouth.

But that's a whole other problem.

You can't hardly follow it up by saying, "Oh never mind, I'm really not interested in what you have been up to.

You see? Even worse.

There are a few greetings that don't really require too much of a reply. In the last few years a big one, has been the ever popular and somewhat over used (at least among certain groups)

HEY!

That's it. just a simple HEY!

Easy to give, easy to respond to. But for some reason not too engaging.

Does anyone remember the old WB show "Felicity"? Starring Kerry Russell?

It was a good show. A nice little story of a shy but very bright girl following her crush (a guy who doesn't really know she exists) to college.

In New York.

She's from Paulo Alto.

That's in California you know.

One of the first things I noticed about the show was the inordinate amount of times in one episode the characters would say HEY! to each other as a greeting.

It was so prominent in the show that I don't thing I even once heard a "HI!"
or a "How ya doing?".

Not even a single "Good to see you!"

The producers, in the last season, actually made fun of themselves by playing a little clip, of nothing but the characters greeting each other with "Hey!"

"HEY!" "HEY!" "HEY" "HEEEEY!" "hey" "HEY!" "HEY!" "HEY!" "hey" hey".

It went on and on, just like that. It was pretty funny. I believe they showed every possible combination of characters saying all different forms of "Hey" to each other in every situation possible. In fact it went on for so long that it didn't sound like a real word any longer.

You know how that can happen sometimes?

Now, don't worry.

I wouldn't have brought you this far, without a solution or two.

I think there actually are some pretty good greetings. A few nice ways to acknowledge people without putting either them, or you, on the spot.

Personally, I have always liked, just a good simple, "Hi!" "It's so nice to see you."

or, a good,

"Well hello, it's been forever since I've seen you!" ( Please, please, be sure to not ruin this one by following up with a quick "So, what have YOU been up to?" It's super tempting, I know, but you must resist.)

And last, but not least. . .

I have always had good results with a nice casual, "Hi/Hello. I can't talk right now, I've gotta go, but it sure is good to see you!"

This is one of my all time favorites. I like to think of it as the

"Walk by, Hi-Goodbye".

You know for those times when you just aren't up to a nice long chat in the middle of aisle 8B at Walmart with that old neighbor you haven't seen in six years.

Of course if push comes to shove you can get really desperate and just duck into another aisle, OR, grab the nearest box of Cheerios and act like you're real serious about reading ALL of it's ingredients and their nutritional values.

This method, while not very elegant, has sure saved me a time or two from an hour long conversation of listening to every detail of her son's exciting first year at Harvard.

I can't help but wonder at the tactics and solutions you all have come up with to deal with these awkward social situations.

And don't worry, I'm not even going to get started on the "greeting followed by the need to introduce your spouse to this person whom you haven't seen in years and even then you had a hard time remembering his name."

I'm pretty sure that this was a problem even for people way back in the Stone Age.

The need for introductions and greetings is probably one of the original reasons that people learned to develop a language to talk with each other.

If they had known then just how hard the politics of greetings would become, do you thing we might all still be communicating with Cave Drawings?