The coat that tried to eat me

I needed a new coat. My others had gotten too big. So, a few weeks ago while shopping at my friendly neighborhood Kohls, (neighborhood is actually a bit of a stretch, it's roughly seven miles away) I suddenly realized that I needed a new coat.

The fact that the coats were all on sale for 50 % off was a pretty good reminder.

I started trying on. Eventually I found two that I really loved. One of them was a beautiful black wool coat that I fell in love with immediately. Then, wouldn't ya know, that I just happened to look up a few racks and saw coat number two. It was red with a really warm fur type lining. I had to have that coat. Hmmm.

What to do?

What to do?

Well, I did the only logical thing and got them both.

The black coat is my absolute favorite, so I started to wear it right away. The red coat comes in at a very close second, and, it's quite a lot warmer due to the "fur" lining.
This last week and a half has been really COLD. Yesterday for example was around 22 degrees but felt a lot colder when you factor in the Wind Chill.

Well Saturday, I needed to go to Fred Meyer. It was cold so red coat got her chance to prove her stuff. She did a great job at keeping me warm.

There was just one teeny tiny little problem.

The longer I wore her, the smaller she got.

Go ahead, laugh, mock.
I'm well aware of how bizarre that sounds.

But the truth remains that my new red coat started getting tighter and shorter (in the sleeves and shoulders that is) the longer I had it on.

It took me a while to really notice just what was going on.

Screeeeeeeech, I have to back up a bit and mention the first real sign of a problem. Funny how quickly things can be forgotten.

You see, a few days earlier I had worn her to Walmart. It wasn't too cold that day. It mostly just felt like a Red Coat Day to me. Under that red coat I was wearing a scoop necked sweater with elbow length sleeves. After about an hour things started to feel kind of weird. It took me a while to figure out why. I wanted to try on a few items and in the dressing room I discovered what was wrong. That coat had pulled the sweater I was wearing all the way off of my left shoulder. In fact the neck of my sweater was closer to my elbow than my face.

Weird.

Before I left the dressing room I made sure that my sweater was put back where it was meant to be. That red coat had other ideas. Within 15 minutes I could feel that my left shoulder was no longer covered.

Okay. I have established precedence here. Back to Saturday at Fred Meyer.
Again, it took me a while to figure out why my arms as well as armpits were all of a sudden feeling very tight. I looked down and saw my arms. The sweater I had on that day seemed to have grown in the length of the sleeves. they were about 2 inches longer than my hands. And to top it off, the coat sleeves were about 5 inches shorter than they had been when I had first put it on.

What the??????

I thought about taking the coat off and putting it back on, but I was afraid that with as tight as it had gotten I may not have been able to get it back on. Now this is important to understand. That coat fit me perfectly. It was loose enough that I could wear bulky sweaters underneath. The sleeves were just a little long, they hit around my knuckles. Not a problem for me. I'm used to sleeves being kinda long.

So you can imagine my horror to look down and realize that my coat was shrinking on me.
In fact when I got home, I couldn't even get it off it had gotten so tight. I had to have Don pull those sleeves off of me. That was the only way that silly coat was coming off.

Fast forward to Sunday.
When Donald, Lisa and the girls showed up for dinner, I just had to tell Lisa about my "Coat of Terrors". I knew she wouldn't believe me.
I mean would you?!?!

I didn't even completely believe it and I was the actual victim!

I decided a Show and Tell was in order. I put it on and did up the buttons. It took it a little bit but it started shrinking just as I knew it would.
The first noticeable thing of course were the sleeves of my sweater suddenly growing super long.

See Lisa! SEE?!?!

Well my little presentation had to be cut short.

A. I was really getting way too hot, and

B. I was making dinner.

An activity not exactly suitable to the wearing of coats.
Oh well, I thought. I'll have to wait for another day.

Yesterday.
I had to go over to Donald and Lisa's for something. I realized that I now had my perfect opportunity for Lisa to see my coat in action.

Plus it was really, really, cold.

On with Miss Red Coat. Out to the van. Out of the garage and onto the street. Wait, wait, wait, for the van to warm up. Carefully feeling for signs of coat shrinkage. Not yet. Not YET. Oh but I know you too well Red Coat.

You and I both know that you can't resist forever.

I arrive at Lisa's. Of course I am greeted by a happy little Lorelai. Elisabeth is on the floor. I get down and play with her. She is up on her hands and knees! She is also in complete "I love grandma" mode. Kisses and more kisses. Elisabeth loves giving kisses. She also loves being kissed.

All the while, no matter how awkward, I keep Miss Red ON.

Elisabeth's therapist shows up so I get ready to take off. I go to the bank to make a car payment. I almost head for home, but,

GUESS WHAT????
Red Coat has done her incredible shrinking act on me yet again!
I head right back to Lisa's. Therapy is still going on, but I know my dear Daughter-in-Law.

Lisa absolutely can NOT turn up a chance for a good Photo.

She takes pictures of me in my shrunk coat.

Tah Daaah!

YES!

Finally!

The photographic proof I needed!

Now they will HAVE to believe me.
So, to prove that I am not crazy. And also NOT Paranoid.
Here are pictures to prove that my coat comes alive and tries to squeeze me to death.

Here we see Miss Red Coat shortly after I put her on. See how innocent she looks.

Okay, here we see that she has started her nasty little shrinking fit. Trust me, it gets even worse, the longer I wear it.

Do you believe me now?

Oh. And since she is still my most favorite. And she does NOT shrink on me. And even though she may not be as warm as Miss Psycho Red coat. I still really love her. So, she gets her picture on this post too.