Welcome to Hell; The Final Chapter

I realized that I better get the fine paid ASAP. I wasn't too worried since I knew that I had payment options. I could use either the internet or phone

Silly innocent me.

I decided to go the phone version first. I hate paying things on-line. You can't do anything unless you open an account.

I HATE opening accounts.

I hate having to type in all of my information for each new place. Plus I can't help but wonder if this is REALLY a legitimate sight.

I live in absolute terror of identity theft.

It hasn't happened yet. And I am extremely careful. But it still feels like it's just a matter of time.

Small example : No matter where I am, or who I'm with, or who is around me, if I have to punch in my PIN number anywhere, I cover it completely with my other hand. It has offended people before, ie, cashiers, people behind me in line, family members even.

But I DON'T CARE! I am just that cautious.

So here I am calling the provided 1-800 number. It answers. I wade through the five minutes (minimum) of pre-screening crap. You know the stuff you must endure to get to the just as monotonous official crap?

And yes, I always choose the English Option.

I make it to the place where I can start the procedure to pay my fine. This is where I am informed that there will be a charge for the comfort of paying my penalty by phone.

An amount is NOT given however.

I hate any kind of "Trust Us" it won't be too bad, approach. I do the only thing that makes sense at the moment.

I hang up.

The internet it will have to be.

In my experience if there is an extra charge involved for paying by phone, that fee is usually not in place if you use the internet to pay.

Could I possibly be more wrong. I am informed almost immediately that there WILL be a charge. By this point I realize that I'm screwed whichever way I choose to go. I grit my teeth and start to fill out the volumes of paperless, paperwork required to set up the hated "account".

I make my way through at least three screens, typing as I go. I am required to fill in my name, address, and e-mail at least two seperate times.

All this, and I haven't even gotten to the part where I pay yet.

Finally, they start to ask the same questions again with the promise that this is the serious info gathering. This, THIS, is to set up my account so I can have the privledge of paying my fine on line. About halfway through, I am told that the information I am punching in is incorrect.

How do THEY know that.

For Heaven's sakes, if they know enough of my information to know that what I am giving them is not accurate, then why the **** (children might be reading this you know) do they need this information in the FIRST PLACE?????

It suddenly occurs that Don was the offending driver. He must be the one who's information they want. Not mine. But again. If they already have it, then why do I have to give it to them? At this point, I am getting madder and madder.

I go back and start all over.

Typing in all of Don's information instead of mine.
I realize that this is a part of the punishment. They want this info, even though they already have it, because obviously the 52 dollars is not enough of a punishment in their eyes. No, of course not.

This proccess needs to be as painful as possible.

I am soon to find out that this little realization is even more true than I first figured.
I finally get to the last "Fill it all in" screen.

Sweet relief.

Hah! I couldn't have been more wrong!

They want Don's Birthdate. I know that they don't really need it. I know that they already have any personal information about Don there could possibly be. They just want to play with me. They want me to know who's boss.

By now I am completely broken down. They have humbled me. I am a mere shadow of my former, confident, self. I am bruised, beaten. I will give them whatever it is they want. Just please let it end.

Please. I'll be good.

But no. These "people" are without mercy.

I come to the space for Don's birthdate. I type in 2-2-56. This being the last thing they say they need I hit the continue button.

ERRORR! ERRORR! I have failed to please them. I should have realized that they would only be satisfied with two numbers for the day and two numbers for the month and ALL four numbers for the year.

OK, OK, I'll do it. I'm so, so, sorry to have further upset you, dear benevolant higher Government entitiy.

I obediantly type in 02-02-1956.

With the greatest of relief I hit the continue button.

Alas. It is not to be.

ERROR, ERROR. Do not use the ? or the > keys, I am sternly told. I look over my humble little attempts to give them the correct information that they have demanded.
There isn't a ?, or a >, anywhere. I'm confused. Everything I have typed in by now is flawless. Absolutely flawless. I push the continue button again.

ERROR, ERROR, Do NOT use the ?, or >, keys.

And I thought I had been humbled before. By now I am practicaly in tears. I know that there have been plenty of "non-filling out important forms" times where I have definitely used the ? key, but I have never even once used the >, key.

To be honest I've never really even known what it's for.

I try to get them to accept my correctly filled out work but every time I am thwarted by the ERROR message.

I realize that the only thing to do is to admit defeat. I realize that a phone payment is, by default, my new, best, option. I also realize how much they have me over a barrel. They might just charge me 20 dollars or more for the privilege of paying by phone. And I know that whatever amount it is, that I will PAY it.

So here I am back to doing the pay by phone option.

I call the 1-800 number again.

I am told (again) that there will be a charge (to be determined at a later time) for using this service.

Yes, Yes, I will pay. I will pay whatever you say I must pay.

Alright. They have me by the hair and they know it. I am forced to wait on hold for several minutes.

On Hold? For an automated system? I told you I was in Hell. Are you starting to believe me now?

Finally, an almost friendly sounding automated voice picks up. Don't worry, I'm not fooled. I know that they just want me to drop any bit of dignity I have left.
I am thus directed to punch in the citation number.

Let me just mention, that nowhere on the notice does it say "Citation Number" it also doesn't say "Case Number" either. I can only assume that they are referring to the "Notice Number". In calmer times I would have figured this one out easily. But since this whole procedure was obviously set up to make me fail, I couldn't be sure.

I took a chance and started to punch in the "Notice Number".

I was stopped almost immediately by the "almost friendly" automated voice.

This is where things are going to get REALLY unbelievable.

The first of the number is actually NOT a number but a letter. The letter L I think it was. I punch in 5 which is the corresponding number on the phone touch pad. I am immediately, challenged by the, by now, not quite so friendly sounding automated voice.

For real and for true this is what I was told.

If the number (yes, it said NUMBER) you punched in was an L push the # button. If the number you punched in was a T push the 3 button. If the number you punched in was W push the 6 button.

What?!? WHAT?!?! To put it bluntly I was completely thrown off and confused. One of the problems was that the voice started to talk almost immediately after I pushed any number. The result being that no matter how quickly I put the phone back to my ear I had missed a part of the message.

I tried to fix the problem but there was no option for that. So I did the only thing I could think of.

I hung up and called back.

That's right. I called back and had to start ALL over again.

At least this time I was armed with the knowledge that I would have to punch another number for each number or letter I punched in. Nevertheless, I still messed it up and had to hang up, call back and try it again.

I'm not sure if I was even human anymore. I felt like a practical joke come to life.

Finally the golden moment came. I successfully had punched in the "Notice Number" correctly. "Whew". I thought, it's all downhill from here.

Not so fast.

Now I was being told to punch in the first 4 letters of the defendant's last name. And of course it was the same system of listening to each number or # key to push after each letter. "I can do this", I told myself.

And I'm sure if I had spent another 10 hours trying I probably would have too. Instead I got as far as S O R and then made a mistake. The system had NO option to fix a mistake. The only thing to do was to either hang up AGAIN, or to try the Internet option one more time.

NO, NO, NO! I won't do it!! YOU CAN"T MAKE ME!!! I won't I won't I won't. That's right. I was having a temper tantrum that would have put "Herman Munster" to shame.

I grabbed that hated notice and started to scour it for phone numbers. Someone was going to listen to me if it took all day.

The automated number I had just called was printed on there a few times. Then I noticed a number to call for Transponder problems.


The Transponder being the electronic, digital, device that Tacoma people have in their cars that pays the toll every time they use the bridge.

I knew that it wasn't the proper number for me to call, but I was pretty sure that I would get a hold of a real live person.

And after a 12 minute wait I actually did!

He was a very nice young man. I was more or less in tears as I told him my whole long tragic story. In fact to be honest, even if I hadn't been in tears, I would have summoned them up so as to be as wretched sounding as possible.

He listened quite patiently to me.

When I was all done, he told me that he was going to help me. There wasn't anything that he could personally do for me, but he could give me the way to talk to someone who could help me.

He pointed out the proper 1-800 number to call. Then he told me to NOT hit the number 1 that I would be prompted to push. He said that only those people who waited through the whole long message would get the magic number to punch to get to a live person.

The number, he informed me was 6.

I called the new 1-800 number. When prompted (at the beginning) I hit 6.

Miracle of miracles, I was told that I was number 3 in line to talk to a real person. I had to wait about 10 minutes, but I was HAPPY to wait. Thrilled, to wait. I was suddenly the happiest and most patient person on the face of the whole Earth.

I was finally hooked up to Sally.

I again poured out my whole sad story. I even threw in the tears to make myself, even more believable. Sally listened. Then she told me the best words I have heard in years.

Don't worry about it. There is actually a grace period. As long as you get it mailed in today or tomorrow you should be just fine.

SWEET SWEET RELIEF!!!!!

I told Sally how very, VERY grateful I was. I hung up. I saw that I had been at this impossible task for more than an hour and a half. I started to feel angry that the powers that be should make something as simple as paying off a fine so **** hard.

I stopped the anger in it's tracks. I decided that I was not going to waste one more minute being stressed out about something that turned out to not be, even a fraction, of the problem I thought it had been.

I wrote out a check. I included the signed notice. I licked the envelope. I put on the stamp. I drove to Yokes Supermarket,(closest mail slot). I mailed that stupid thing.

I was free. The stress was completely gone. The stress was gone, but not the need to tell someone, anyone, about my brief little sojourn in Hell. So that dear readers is where YOU come in.

I have now told my story. I hope that someone out there will get something helpful from it. I don't really know what that could be, but who knows? One day you might inadvertently run through an unknown Toll Booth without paying.

If you do, please learn from my experience. Forget about mitigating. Forget about how wronged you feel. Forget about how mean and unfair the whole thing is.

And just pay the **** FINE!