SUSAN'S GUIDE TO BEING TRULY NASTY a tutorial

I can't really say what is inspiring this post. I like to think of myself as a normally nice, kind and thoughtful person. And for most intents and purposes I am.

Really.

In fact you can even ask my kids. Most of the time they will agree.

Really.

So I might want to apologize for what I am about to share, but then again maybe not. I never know about these things until I get there.

Now I have always been quite verbally precocious. Even when I was a kid. That's probably one reason why I would get yelled at with far more frequency than my sisters.
I am usually pretty quick with a snappy comeback. Not always of course. I, like I'm sure just about everyone else, has those occasions when all I can come up with is an extremely lame,
"OH Yeah??? Well You Too!!!

Oh I know, positively scathing.
And then if the usual course of events follows you come up with a real zinger five minutes later.

And, that is why I am providing this service to my faithful readers today.
Now-a-days, most angry people (not we Mormons, at least not very often) when they want to really try to piss someone off who has really pissed them off, they fall back on the tired old habit of swearing. Now I am about to admit something that mostly just my kids and husband know about me.

I have a bit of a potty mouth.

There, I said it. Please try to not think less of me. I go through phases. Most the time I try pretty hard to not let my mouth get the better of me. (It always has had a mind of it's own.)
I can usually keep my swears to a bare minimum. But for some unknown reason sometimes I just get into swear mode. I swear so much that I know I'm heading for intervention territory. I mostly use the D and H and of course the A and B words.
Words that I hardly even consider swears. But I know that a lot of people that I really like and admire don't feel that way so I try to watch myself. My favorite swear is actually the S word. I don't know why? And I employ it only when the occasion really, really, calls for it. It is actually the most satisfying swear I can think of. I don't really like the F word at all. It is used so much by people with small vocabularies that it is not just a nasty word for me but an uneducated, white trash word as well.

My point in all this is that I get really frustrated when I really want to zing someone and the proper words just aren't there. Now since I never like being caught unawares, I have partly solved this problem by putting my large vocabulary to work for me. Yes it's true. I have spent many hours (not all at the same time of course) thinking up things to say for almost any occasion when I might need to out-nasty someone. And yes, before you say it, (I know Donald is just looking for his chance) I already realize that sometimes I have way too much time on my hands.

( That one, by the way, is a little time worn. Only use it when it really applies and there is no alternative.)

All right. Let us begin.

If you really can't stand someone, and they have told you something like "I really hate you" Please for the love of all that is good and decent don't throw a boring "I hate you too" back at them. No, no, no, NO! You look at them with as much contempt as you can summon, ( by the way the Look of Contempt, hereafter known as LOC, is highly effective for most of these. I suggest you practice) So you look at them with yourLOC and you say..."I don't hate you. You are too worthless to waste mental energy on. No I don't hate you. You just DISGUST me." SEE? SEE? See what I mean? Much more effective than simply hurling back the same insult. Try it sometime, and see how much better your next confrontation can be!

Okay, next situation.

Someone really nasty is being so completely offensive that you can't hold you tongue and you must really try to straighten them out. This actually happened to me at Shopko several years ago when this super gnarly looking, foaming at the mouth, super nasty She Devil was screaming at her poor cowering little girl. Naturally I could not just stand by. And no it's not what you are thinking. I very calmly pointed out to her that maybe she should calm down and that her little girl hadn't bothered me or anyone else in the Pharmacy. Of course she did what tiny brained, vulgar, uncouth people usually do. She started screaming a string of obscenities at me. Now in a situation like this you REALLY don't want to sink to their level. No. Your power over them is staying calm and embarrassing them with their own stupidity. I gave her the worst LOC I could muster, and in a calm, but deadly voice, I said YOU ARE PATHETIC.

Never and I mean NEVER, underestimate the power of the word PATHETIC.

Stupid people are usually just smart enough to know what it means, and if they don't (which may be the case more and more, the whole dumbing down of America and all) well if they don't it can really throw them for a loop. They know you just said something really insulting but they aren't sure what. Highly Effective. Oh and at times like this try to make sure you are in a public place so that the worse they can do in retaliation is swear at you some more.

All right now we are going to move on to more advanced situations.

I'm sure almost everyone here has been flipped off while driving at least once.
People who resort to this are usually pretty inept at handling frustration or rage. They quite often are even the ones in the wrong, and they don't want to admit they just did something stupid so they give the old one finger salute instead.

Now this one can be quite easy but it does require practice beforehand.

Mostly because as humans we sometimes can't help but respond to anger with anger, but, with practice I assure you this can be overcome. So here are some of the techniques that really work if you can manage to stay calm.

My daughter Heidi, has helped me refine these.
Now I stress the need to practice this one because you will need split second timing. After all these cowards rarely wait around for a reaction. Well there are quite a few variations to this one and I bet with a little practice you might even come up with a few of your own.

The easiest one to start with is the "Happy Smile And Wave" Now this might seem so unagressive as to be ineffectual. Oh no. this is one of the most aggressive things you can do in one of these situations. Nothing will make them realize that their flipping the bird has had NO effect on you like the ole SMILE and WAVE. Also impressive is pointing both hands. (Best if you aren't the one behind the wheel, obviously) coyly towards your face and clearly mouthing the words, FOR ME?

Now here is a variation that Heidi has come up with.

You simply wave a LIMP wrist at them and mouth, OH YOU! This takes more practice but it gets such great results it is well worth the time you will put into it.

Now this one might seem like I have covered it already and if you think so that is GOOD. It means that you are starting to get the fundamental principles down.

If you are ever anywhere and for whatever reason some ugly stupid stranger makes a nasty comment to you or about you within hearing distance. Here is what you do. I think I will demonstrate with an example.
Now this really isn't the best example to use but it's the one that comes to mind. The reason it's not the best is because in this one I really did lose my temper. But never you fear I still mostly managed to keep my cool.

Once I was out with Courtney when she was probably four. It had snowed like crazy and there were three foot drifts of snow everywhere. I had to go to the mall. When I was going to park in front of Sears there was this big ugly beat-up, run-down looking truck, blatantly taking up two parking spaces. I pulled up as close as I could and asked the two Jethroes in it if they could please pull out and move over just a little so that I could park next to them. The ugliest and probably stupidest one just looked at me for a while (he probably needed time to process the big words I had used) Then he said " yuh, fine, ah wull". I pulled back for him to pull back and re- park. I waited for about a minute. He didn't do anything. So I got out of my van and went over to ask him why he hadn't moved. Well he let loose with a string of nasty profane insults and told me there was no way in H he was going to move for a fat pig like me. Now at this point I was just glad that Courtney was still in the van because I know how scared and upset this would have made her. But this also gave me the opportunity to say what I really wanted to say to him.

(Warning: I am not going to edit here so you may want to pass over this)

I gave him the LOC and said " Listen, Penis Breath, You are such a low and worthless piece of s--t (okay I had to edit a little) that there is nothing you could say to me that I could possibly care about. Now I think that is probably the only time I have ever used P Breath, but keep in mind that my little girl was still in the van and I was REALLY ANGRY. I have never used that term since but it sure had an effect on old Cletus. He rolled up his window while stupidly screaming the most unintelligible obscenities I think I have ever heard.

I was afraid for just a moment that I may have made him so mad that he was going to get out of his truck and come after me.

Fortunately he didn't.

I hope though that you really paid attention to the "you are so low and worthless" part. Nothing has more power than letting your abuser know that their insults mean nothing to you.

Well I think that this is enough to get you started. I hope this little tutorial has been helpful. And feel free to come up with your own comebacks. Because let's be honest. There are just some people who really DESERVE them.

Oh and now that I have finished I realize that I don't want to apologize for anything.