NO SALE!!!!!!!

The other day Courtney and I were going somewhere, I can't remember what we were doing, but we were together long enough to have a real conversation. Anyway somehow, (again amnesia strikes) I have no idea how this came up, other than the fact that her brain works just like mine.

That means jumping from one thought to a new completely unrelated topic before the first line of thinking is even a minute old.

This is all a very long involved way of getting to my point I know. So Courtney asks me (completely OUT of the blue). Mom would you eat a slug for a million dollars?

BACKGROUND ;

I grew up in the south end of the Seattle area. Now as everyone knows Seattle is known for it's wetness. Also one other thing about Seattle and surrounding areas, they don't have stickers growing around waiting to snag innocent people who for personal reasons, known only to them, prefer to walk around barefoot in the Summertime.

That would be me.

Yes folks I do like to be barefoot. My DIL Lisa, well I just don't think she is mentally capable of seeing how barefoot could ever be an acceptable or even preferred means of footwear. Oh quibble, quibble, quibble, I guess that would be LACK of footwear. Just ask her number two child though, my little three year old granddaughter Lorelai. Now Lorelai (much to Lisa's distress) follows right in dear old grandma's bare footsteps.

She loves a naked foot as much as I do.

Alright back on track. I can never be accused of not giving sufficient background.

So, flash back about thirty seven or so years to Seattle in the summer. When I was outside I was usually barefoot. There were no stickers to worry about like in the Tri-Cities. So if I couldn't be there, ( that would be the Tri-Cities my favorite summer destination) at least I could take advantage of the one thing the Seattle area had over the Tri-City area and that was going barefoot. Yes, yes there were no stickers. But, and this is a pretty big BUT. What we didn't have in stickers was very generously made up for in SLUGS!!!!!!

That's right, BIG FAT SLUGS !!!!!!!!!

If you live here in the Tri-Cities, or anywhere else that may have a mild form of slugdom, please don't think "Oh slugs we have slugs, what's the big deal?" I will tell you what the big DEAL is.

In Seattle slugs are everywhere. You go out into your nice grassy yard in the morning and what do you do? You play a forced game of Dodge-a-Slug is what you do. Now sometimes you will go out with a loaded salt shaker and have fun seeing all those abominations of nature, wither, foam up (yes that's true, they really, really foam up) gyrate and eventually become dead shriveled up piles of dead slug.

Not pretty I know but there is something so satisfying in this kind of revenge

Seattle has not just 2 inch, skinny, little, brown slugs. Oh NO. They have Huge brown slugs like try 6 inches long with a circumference of probably 3 inches. I kid you not. But the worst, absolutely the most obnoxious and greatly feared slug of all is the dreaded,

BANANA SLUG!!!!!!!!!

You simply have to see these monstrosities to believe them. They are the WHALES of the slug world. I have seen a 10 inch banana slug. And trust me it was just as awful as it sounds. But the very worst thing about slugs, even worse than leaving a shoe out by the swing-set and finding three brown slugs and one banana slug in them the next morning (this actually happened to my little sister Linda). Yes that would be awful. But the very worst thing when it came to slugs, was actually STEPPING on one (accidentally of course, though I guess that didn't need to be pointed out now did it?)

In my life I have accidentally stepped on a slug with bare feet exactly THREE TIMES.

Shall I describe it for You? Your foot goes down and all of a sudden you feel this warm squishy oozy feeling under your foot. It slowly starts to come up through your toes. But wait. It gets worse. You try to lift your foot to see what on earth you just stepped on. Of course in the back of your mind you know it's a slug, but it could possibly be something much less noxious, like say DOG POOP!!!! All of a sudden your foot meets resistance. It does not want to leave the ground. You tug at it and it finally bit by slimy bit, you peel it off the ground.

Oh yes you are the new proud owner of a SLUGFOOT!

Now of course you want this evil crap off your foot yesterday. Good luck with that. A little known fact is that a squished slug is one of the stickiest substances on earth. I wouldn't be surprised to find it as the main ingredient in some new brand of super, super glue. The only way to get dead squished slug off your foot is to scrape and wash and scrub and scrape some more. You practically have to take off the first layer of skin. And that's okay because that squished slug has pretty much become one with your first layer of skin.

Now the purpose of all this slug knowledge,( and yes I do understand if you had to leave at some point to throw up) is so you will understand the way I feel about slugs. My kids have all been regaled with my slug stories, so they know that slugs are one of the things I find most repulsive in this world.

So when Courtney asked me her million dollar slug question you now know how evil she was being.

Of course I immediately assured her (in stronger words than I would feel comfortable using here) that I wouldn't even eat a slug, a RAW slug mind you, for 10 million dollars.
Now is this good enough for my baby girl? Of course not. She knows when she is on a roll. So, she then asks, would you let a slug crawl up your arm all the way to your face for 10 million dollars?

I'm sure you already know my answer to that one.

I quite succinctly informed her that there is not one thing related to slugs that I would do even for 100 million dollars. This may seem a little extreme to you but let me explain my thought process.

There are a few really sick awful things I have done, mostly, accidentally in my life. Things like taking a big drink of milk that I had no idea had gone bad. Or pulling a LONG BLACK HAIR out of my mouth after taking a bite of my enchilada at a Mexican restaurant. You get the point. And that doesn't even include the sick stupid things I may have actually done on purpose.

The point is, these things are stuck in my mind FOREVER!

I may not dwell on them too often but there are some things I don't want anywhere near my memory banks. I already have the three stepping on slugs with bare feet memories to deal with. And millions of dollars, at least in my opinion, is no excuse to add to these memories.

So you know what? Later, when I was alone, with no Courtney to egg me on. I started really thinking of what I would do for, Vast Sums of Fundage.

Ya know what? I couldn't really think of very many. I look at it this way.

I am 51.

I am generally pretty happy.

I have everything I need and a lot of stuff that I want.

I see in the news that people with lots of money are quite often NOT HAPPY AT ALL!

So my conclusion is that, even though I would love to have millions of dollars if it somehow fell into my lap (Realistic expectation? I think not) There is not really anything I would do for that money that I would not normally do anyway. I figure, I have lived this much of my life without that kind of money, so why can't I live the rest of my life without it. In fact I have come up with the things I will do for 10 million dollars. And they are as listed.

I would take an around the world cruise with my whole family with stops at all kinds of interesting places, to also include two weeks at Walt Disney World in Orlando, and at least a month touring Europe.

I would lobby to make things better for retarded and other developmentally disabled people.

I would go on a huge shopping excursion to buy myself and my family whatever they wanted.

I would go to New York and see all of the shows on Broadway that look so fun and also to eat an authentic New York hot dog.

I would even spend the night at the White House ( I know, SHOCKING, DEVIANT, how could she do something like that)

Yes these are things I might consider doing for 10 million dollars, but not a penny less, and of course it would have to all be TAX FREE.

So you see I have discovered something really interesting about myself. (And I sincerely hope it's true and that I'm not just lying to myself)

I AM NOT FOR SALE!